The other night my husband asked me a profound question:
“Is there any doubt in your mind at all regarding this faith?”

“Absolutely not,” I answered without hesitation.

I kept turning his question over all weekend.
“Do I really believe what I think I believe?”

I wanted to make sure. I have always felt I had the gift of faith, but I also recognize that blind faith is not always the right choice. I wanted to evaluate myself honestly. After thinking and praying, I can safely say that no, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind. I am doing my best to follow the Most High and His Son in pure, genuine faith and obedience.

There is a big difference between humbly asking the Father to correct your understanding and tearing down everything He has already confirmed to you. One leads to growth and refinement. The other opens the door to confusion. The enemy does not always show up with obvious evil. Sometimes all he needs is a whisper that says, “Maybe God did not really show you that.” I learned to recognize that voice because I followed it once. It never led me toward clarity. It only produced chaos. YHWH is not the author of confusion.

I thought back over the course of my life and faith journey. I started following the Messiah most of the world calls “Jesus” as a very young child. I know Him by His Hebrew name Yahusha (or Yeshua) now, but the character is the same. My childlike faith was not the result of conditioning. I was born to a young single mom who showed me who Jesus was in hopes of giving me a better life. I grabbed onto all of it, hook, line, and sinker. I wanted to be in every church program offered: Sunday school, VBS, church camps, whatever was available. I sang every little song with my whole heart. I prayed when things were broken or people were sick. He was with me, and He answered those young, faith-filled prayers.
I never doubted.

Fast-forward to my teenage years. Life did not feel as simple then, but I still held on to my faith. In the lonely moments, I would write to Him. Once I started driving, I would sing and pray as I drove, trusting Him to keep me safe on the road. That was also when I began slipping into sin and away from youth groups. But I was not running from Him. I was running from the hypocrisy I felt among other young people who made me feel unwelcome and insecure. I drifted toward people who made me feel included. The devil is good at that. My relationship with God soon went cold.

I will spare the heavy details for another time, but as that relationship cooled, my relationship with the world caught fire. I bought what Satan was selling. Drugs, alcohol, and other traps held me captive for years. I was doing things that should have gotten me incarcerated or killed multiple times per day. Even in that foolishness, I never denied His name or power.
He never left or forsook me.

During my prodigal years, my sweet mama never stopped praying for me, trusting that YHWH would one day deliver me. Along with many others, you know who you are. Thank you. And He answered those desperate prayers.
She never doubted.

Eventually, I moved back in with my parents and got sober after years of barely functioning. I lost count of how many times I attempted suicide, overdosed, or narrowly avoided jail. The number is in the hundreds, I am sure. That season was surreal, and as it ended, my relationship with YHWH began to rekindle. I started obsessively reading my Bible, watching truther videos, and trying to heal from trauma so I could help others. I became a licensed life coach and was determined to make a difference. But once again, I was doing things my way.

Satan sent yet another distraction, the New Age movement. “Christian witches,” “white witches,” “Christ-consciousness,” “5D ascension,” manifestation, tarot, angel cards. All of it became part of my vocabulary. I have always been an all-or-nothing kind of person, so I dove headfirst. Within a few months I had dabbled in every fringe woo-woo topic imaginable, even running a Discord server for truth seekers. By the end of that era, I genuinely thought different species of aliens had created us. I wish I were joking. My poor mother.

During this time, I was trying to meditate, astral project, move objects with my eyes, experimenting with psychedelics, and attempting any other strange spiritual practice I could dream up. Two spiritually significant things happened during this period.

First, the astral projection attempt actually worked once, and it terrified me. In the middle of the night it felt like my spirit left my body and I watched myself sleeping. The anxiety was overwhelming. A thought hit me: “Is this what you were hoping for?”

The second was a spiritual encounter while using a drug called DMT. This is the stuff Joe Rogan has been telling people to try. Do not. I had a vision of myself running through a labyrinth of hallways. When I finally reached the exit, I found myself at the foot of a throne, looking up at what I perceived to be a Buddha. I remember every detail and how horrified I felt. If these spiritual things were real, then so was the Creator, and I did not want to go against His will. I felt like He was showing me that if I kept searching for Him through forbidden means, I would continue to find deception.

But something kept me anchored. I always began everything with prayer. Back then I just called Him God, but my intentions were sincere. I asked Him to guide me, to give me wisdom from above, and to never let me stray. The irony of praying this while trying to be my own god shows how patient and long-suffering our Father is.
He never left or forsook me.

He let me run down every rabbit trail I wanted until one day a random YouTube video popped up about Kabbalah. That caught my eye because Kabbalah is where I had started dabbling in mysticism. Something deep down always knew the God of the Bible was the real, living God, and I had grown up hearing that the Jews were His chosen people. I figured if mysticism were wrong, surely they would not be doing it. That was naive thinking, but it pushed me in the right direction.

As the man in the video broke down the origins of Kabbalah and connected it to the tree of knowledge of good and evil, it felt like getting smacked in the stomach. The same anxiety I had felt in my out-of-body experiences hit me again.

I repented immediately. I burned my books, tarot cards, and all mystical items. I found myself back where my spiritual journey had begun, praying again:
“Father, please show me the TRUTH.”
He never left or forsook me.

For your righteousness is an everlasting righteousness, and your Torah is the truth.”
-Psalm 119:142

I went back to my Bible for answers. Verses about the Sabbath began jumping out at me. Why did we not keep that anymore? Why Sunday? I even searched for a Messianic synagogue that kept Sabbath on Saturday. And then another video came across my feed, this time about the identity of the lost sheep of the house of Israel. As I watched, I felt a call home. This was what I had been missing. The concepts clicked instantly. I spent months reading, studying, and beginning to apply Torah to my life. I knew my Heavenly Father had heard my cries and seen my desire for sincerity.
I never doubted.

A lot has happened between then and now. These have been almost five years of growth, loss, learning, and relationships that have come and gone. One thing remains constant, my faith. Though the enemy has tried time and time again to tear me down with slander, gossip, character assassination, betrayal, and emotional overwhelm, I will not be moved. YHWH has remained constant in a sea of tossing waves. He has been my lighthouse, anchor, life jacket, sails, and even the wind, sometimes all at once.

That same Spirit that called me home has kept me from straying into strange doctrines and vain conspiracies that lead nowhere. If someone brings me a teaching that reminds me of the feelings I had during my negative spiritual experiences, I run the other direction. If a doctrine requires me to throw out the Scripture that brought me peace and stability for teachings that bring confusion and discord, I run the other direction. If the Spirit did not lead me to it, I run the other direction. Especially when the person promoting it does not show the fruit of the Spirit, which includes love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. How can I take someone seriously when they condemn others for sharing truth unlovingly while mocking and behaving the exact same way?

I have wandered into nearly every kind of spiritual rabbit trail a person can find. I have tasted ideas that looked like wisdom but were really deception. I have seen how the enemy can take confusion and dress it up to sound deep, enlightened, or spiritually advanced. So when I watch people I care about begin stepping into those same teachings, whether through conspiracy-style doctrines, social media trends, or so-called new revelations, it hits me on a personal level. I am not speaking from pride. I am speaking as someone who chased those paths myself and learned the hard way that they only lead into darkness. This is why my heart is stirred in this season and why staying silent no longer feels like an option.

The Holy Spirit has led me this far. YHWH has never failed to reveal what He wants me to see through Scripture, dreams, or visions. I have no desire to dissect the very faith that rescued me from physical and spiritual death. My heart grieves as this spiritual war seems to take more casualties every day. I have much more to say on these topics in the coming days, but for now, I want to draw a line in the sand and declare publicly:

I will not be moved or shaken.
My faith will not waver.
My dedication to this path guides my entire life.
YHWH has remained constant and true for me, and I will remain constant and true for Him.

Pray for me, and may the flame in my heart only grow brighter so I can help light the path for others.

“Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is narrow and the way is constricted that leads to life, and there are few who find it.”
-Matthew 7:13-14 NASB