How often have we said, “I just need to vent”? It’s a phrase that can sound harmless, but much like, “I don’t mean to be rude, but…,” it often leads to the very thing we claim to avoid. We can claim that our intentions are not to transgress. Yet, our words and actions are ultimately weighed in the balance.

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
I YHWH search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.”
-Jeremiah 17:9-10

As women, it seems to come naturally to seek advice from a trusted sister, friend, or even your mom. We often do this to simply vent when facing the various trials of everyday life. There is certainly nothing wrong with this, and it is extremely important to have a community of women to support you, whether physically or online. Personally, I talk to my mom about everything in my life. We have a wonderful relationship and I value the wisdom that Yah has given her. But the other day, I had to check myself. I am in a very busy season in life. I am a new mom of a toddler and three older bonus children. I am also engaged in full-time ministry. Lately, I have found myself struggling not to get overwhelmed and frustrated at various inconveniences thrown my way. While driving home one day, I called my mom to “vent” about my problems. This time she didn’t answer right away. As I was continuing on, a thought hit me like a ton of bricks. “Why don’t you just talk to me?”

In that moment, I recognized how easy it is to lose focus. I had lost sight of the one really in control. I called it venting, but wasn’t it really just complaining, grumbling, and spreading negativity? I was stuck in my own cycle of woes. I felt like I couldn’t even think straight due to stress, toxic overload, and exhaustion. Maybe some of this factored in. Ultimately, I chose to stay stuck by not making effective and intentional changes.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,
knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.
And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
-James 1:2-4 NASB

It was time for a mindset change. Instead of complaining, I decided to be more thankful. I asked Yah to help me to not feel overwhelmed. I didn’t ask for this to change with the flip of a switch. Instead, I wanted help to be more diligent with my time, priorities, routines, and resources. Instead of feeling incapable of thinking clearly, I want YHWH to establish my thoughts. I desire for my actions to flow naturally from those ideas by the Holy Spirit. Praise be to Him. Over the last few weeks, my trials have been physically harder. Despite this, I feel spiritually renewed and strengthened. I am getting order and routine back in my life and have had a much more cheerful countenance. What I noticed happening was as I started venting more, I started praying less. It became easier to send a quick text rather than stop and send up a prayer. My connection to the Holy Spirit weakened. As a result, I experienced fewer fruits. Specifically, my joy, shalom, patience, and gentleness were quickly fading. Sometimes, a plant needs fertilizer, and sometimes, fertilizer comes in the form of… well, poop. In a similar way, the difficulties I had let take over my attitude were really for my own good. Even though they stunk in the process, they have born good fruit.

Commit thy works unto YHWH, and thy thoughts shall be established.
-Proverbs 16:3 KJV

I told that story not to rabbit trail too much from the original point, but to support it. The overall lesson I learned is how important it is to keep our mind on Him. We must also let everything that proceeds from our mouths be in alignment with Him. This is especially true concerning what we say about other people. How often when we are asking someone for advice do we speak about someone else? Scripture tells us not to gossip, slander, or be a talebearer. There are no written exceptions that make it okay if we feel like we need to get another person’s opinion.

He that can rule his tongue shall live without strife; and he that hates babbling shall have less evil. Rehearse not unto another that which is told unto you, and you shall fare never the worse. Whether it be to friend or foe, talk not of other men’s lives; and if you can’t without offense, reveal them not. For he heard and observed you, and when time comes he will hate you. If you have heard a word, let it die with you; and be bold, it will not burst you.
-Sirach (Ecclesiasticus 19:6-10).

There is wisdom in a multitude of counselors, as written in the Proverbs. However, true wisdom knows when to speak and when not to speak. If we seek our Heavenly Father for guidance first and foremost, He will direct our thoughts and course of action. If we need advice, let’s ask Yah to send it through the vessel of His choice, in His timing. Let’s give Him room to work in a situation first. Instead of seeking someone who could be apt to give confirmation bias, whether intentionally or not. Pray for the person you have concerns about before opening your mouth. It is written, “The power of life and death are on the tongue.”

So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell. But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.
With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way
-James 3:5–6, 8–10.

Where no wood is, there the fire goes out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceases.
-Proverbs 26:20

Our Messiah, Yahusha (commonly known as Jesus) commanded us to love one another. If a person’s actions bother or concern us, we should consider discussing it with them. If we think someone is falling short, wouldn’t the righteous thing be to offer advice? Wouldn’t the loving thing be to give a rebuke, if necessary? Or maybe that hasn’t worked. Have we tried hitting our knees in prayer consistently for that person? Perhaps YHWH will get their attention before it’s too late! We aren’t called to cast judgment and whispers. Instead, we are called to bear one another’s burdens and help each other up when we fall. We must be long-suffering as our Heavenly Father has been long-suffering with us.

You shall not hate your brother in your heart: you shall in any wise rebuke your neighbor, and not suffer sin upon him. You shall not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself:
I am YHWH.
-Leviticus 19:17-18

Now if your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that on the testimony of two or three witnesses every matter may be confirmed.
-Matthew 18:15-16

The easy thing to do is to ignore things that offend us. We often just sweep them under the rug. The problem is, eventually the dirt under that rug starts to overflow. When something comes up, handle it promptly. This provides the person with an opportunity to repent. That’s Biblical love. Being a non confrontational person isn’t a ticket out of this obligation. I do not love having to have difficult conversations. Still, the fear of man simply cannot surpass our duty to uphold righteousness. If we entertain gossip, erm, I mean “venting”, we are giving room for the enemy to sneak in and trip us up. A friend of mine once said, “Speak life, or speak less.” We should pray more about our issues. We should speak less about them. By doing this, we can be more effective as ministers of peace and as emissaries of Christ.

But for the fearful and unbelieving and abominable and murderers and immoral persons and sorcerers and idolaters and all liars, their part will be in the lake that burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.
-Revelation 21:8

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. A prayer of a righteous person, when it is brought about, can accomplish much.
-James 5:16

Seek YHWH first in all things. It could be as simple as praying and asking Him to send you the right person to talk to. Don’t fall into the trap of condemnation, especially of a brother or sister. If you struggle to confront issues head on, pray and ask for wisdom and boldness. Our Heavenly Father is faithful to help us in times of need and mighty to save. If you’re like me, you may sometimes find yourself slipping out of His presence. It’s easy to get caught up in all the noise. If that’s you, now is the time to turn back to YHWH. Hit your knees and cry out to Him- He’s waiting at the door.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me
Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
-Psalm 51:10-12

May YHWH bless you, guard your heart, and guide your tongue- so that every word you speak brings life and truth.